Post by Admin on Jun 2, 2015 1:49:26 GMT
www.stopbullying.gov/respond/be-more-than-a-bystander/index.html
Stop Bullying on the Spot
When adults respond quickly and consistently to bullying behavior they send the message that it is not acceptable.
Research shows this can stop bullying behavior over time.
There are simple steps adults can take to stop bullying on the spot and keep kids safe.
Do:
Intervene immediately. It is ok to get another adult to help.
Separate the kids involved.
Make sure everyone is safe.
Meet any immediate medical or mental health needs.
Stay calm. Reassure the kids involved, including bystanders.
Model respectful behavior when you intervene.
Avoid these common mistakes:
Don’t ignore it. Don’t think kids can work it out without adult help.
Don’t immediately try to sort out the facts.
Don’t force other kids to say publicly what they saw.
Don’t question the children involved in front of other kids.
Don’t talk to the kids involved together, only separately.
Don’t make the kids involved apologize or patch up relations on the spot.
Get police help or medical attention immediately if:
A weapon is involved.
There are threats of serious physical injury.
There are threats of hate-motivated violence, such as racism or homophobia.
There is serious bodily harm.
There is sexual abuse.
Anyone is accused of an illegal act, such as robbery or extortion—using force to get money, property, or services.
Next Steps
Support the kids involved.
Find Out What Happened.
Whether you’ve just stopped bullying on the spot or a child has reached out to you for help, follow the steps below to determine the best way to proceed.
Determine if it’s Bullying:
Get the Facts:
Keep all the involved children separate.
Get the story from several sources, both adults and kids.
Listen without blaming.
Don’t call the act “bullying” while you are trying to understand what happened.
It may be difficult to get the whole story, especially if multiple students are involved or the bullying involves social bullying or cyberbullying. Collect all available information.
Determine if it's Bullying:
There are many behaviors that look like bullying but require different approaches. It is important to determine whether the situation is bullying or something else.
Review the definition of bullying. State law and school policy may have additional guidelines for defining bullying behavior.
To determine if this is bullying or something else, consider the following questions:
What is the history between the kids involved? Have there been past conflicts?
Is there a power imbalance? Remember that a power imbalance is not limited to physical strength. It is sometimes not easily recognized. If the targeted child feels like there is a power imbalance, there probably is.
Has this happened before? Is the child worried it will happen again?
Have the kids dated? There are special responses for teen dating violence.
Are any of the kids involved with a gang? Gang violence has different interventions.
Remember that it may not matter “who started it.” Some kids who are bullied may be seen as annoying or provoking, but this does not excuse the bullying behavior.
Once you have determined if the situation is bullying, support the kids involved.
Support the Kids Involved
Two parents comfort their daughterAll kids involved in bullying—whether they are bullied, bully others, or see bullying—can be affected. It is important to support all kids involved to make sure the bullying doesn’t continue and effects can be minimized.
Support Kids Who are Bullied
Address Bullying Behavior
Support Bystanders Who Witness Bullying
Support Kids Who are Bullied
Listen and focus on the child. Learn what’s been going on and show you want to help.
Assure the child that bullying is not their fault.
Know that kids who are bullied may struggle with talking about it. Consider referring them to a school counselor, psychologist, or other mental health service.
Give advice about what to do. This may involve role-playing and thinking through how the child might react if the bullying occurs again.
Work together to resolve the situation and protect the bullied child. The child, parents, and school or organization may all have valuable input. It may help to:
Ask the child being bullied what can be done to make him or her feel safe. Remember that changes to routine should be minimized. He or she is not at fault and should not be singled out. For example, consider rearranging classroom or bus seating plans for everyone. If bigger moves are necessary, such as switching classrooms or bus routes, the child who is bullied should not be forced to change.
Develop a game plan. Maintain open communication between schools, organizations, and parents. Discuss the steps that are taken and the limitations around what can be done based on policies and laws. Remember, the law does not allow school personnel to discuss discipline, consequences, or services given to other children.
Be persistent. Bullying may not end overnight. Commit to making it stop and consistently support the bullied child.
Avoid these mistakes:
Never tell the child to ignore the bullying.
Do not blame the child for being bullied. Even if he or she provoked the bullying, no one deserves to be bullied.
Do not tell the child to physically fight back against the kid who is bullying. It could get the child hurt, suspended, or expelled.
Parents should resist the urge to contact the other parents involved. It may make matters worse. School or other officials can act as mediators between parents.
Follow-up. Show a commitment to making bullying stop. Because bullying is behavior that repeats or has the potential to be repeated, it takes consistent effort to ensure that it stops.
Address Bullying Behavior:
Parents, school staff, and organizations all have a role to play.
Make sure the child knows what the problem behavior is. Young people who bully must learn their behavior is wrong and harms others.
Show kids that bullying is taken seriously. Calmly tell the child that bullying will not be tolerated. Model respectful behavior when addressing the problem.
Work with the child to understand some of the reasons he or she bullied.
For example:
Sometimes children bully to fit in. These kids can benefit from participating in positive activities. Involvement in sports and clubs can enable them to take leadership roles and make friends without feeling the need to bully.
Other times kids act out because something else—issues at home, abuse, stress—is going on in their lives. They also may have been bullied. These kids may be in need of additional support, such as mental health services.
Use consequences to teach. Consequences that involve learning or building empathy can help prevent future bullying. School staff should remember to follow the guidelines in their student code of conduct and other policies in developing consequences and assigning discipline. For example, the child who bullied can:
Lead a class discussion about how to be a good friend.
Write a story about the effects of bullying or benefits of teamwork.
Role-play a scenario or make a presentation about the importance of respecting others, the negative effects of gossip, or how to cooperate.
Do a project about civil rights and bullying.
Read a book about bullying.
Make posters for the school about cyberbullying and being smart online.
Involve the kid who bullied in making amends or repairing the situation. The goal is to help them see how their actions affect others. For example, the child can:
Write a letter apologizing to the student who was bullied.
Do a good deed for the person who was bullied or for others in your community.
Clean up, repair, or pay for any property they damaged.
Avoid strategies that don’t work or have negative consequences.
Zero tolerance or “three strikes, you’re out” strategies don’t work. Suspending or expelling students who bully does not reduce bullying behavior. Students and teachers may be less likely to report and address bullying if suspension or expulsion is the consequence.
Conflict resolution and peer mediation don’t work for bullying. Bullying is not a conflict between people of equal power who share equal blame. Facing those who have bullied may further upset kids who have been bullied.
Group treatment for students who bully doesn’t work. Group members tend to reinforce bullying behavior in each other.
Follow-up. After the bullying issue is resolved, continue finding ways to help the child who bullied to understand how what they do affects other people. For example, praise acts of kindness or talk about what it means to be a good friend.
Support Bystanders Who Witness Bullying:
Even if kids are not bullied or bullying others they can be affected by bullying. Many times, when they see bullying, they may not know what to do to stop it. They may not feel safe stepping in in the moment, but there are many other steps they can take.
Sibling Bullying Can Cause Damage. Here’s How to Spot It…and Stop It.
By Lori Gottlieb June 18, 2013
www.lifetimemoms.com/parenting/sibling-bullying-can-cause-damage-here-s-how-to-spot-it-and-stop-it
Is there bullying going on in your home (or country, or between countries)? Given the recent focus on bullying in schools – and the awareness and prevention programs put in place – the idea of that kind of aggression under your own roof may seem absurd. But according to a study released this week in the journal Pediatrics, sibling bullying not only exists, but it may also be mistakenly overlooked as typical sibling squabbling.
The study found that although conflict between siblings is expected, an escalation to the point of bullying has often been viewed as "benign and normal and even beneficial" for the development of relational skills. But instead, the researchers reported, sibling bullying is linked to increased anger, anxiety and depression in kids who experience it. Worse yet, the effects apparently last. Many adults who were repeatedly humiliated by siblings struggle with self-esteem.
Of course, letting siblings work out their differences helps build their negotiation skills and may even bolster their empathy. But parents should get involved if certain patterns persist. Here’s what to look for when your kids are going at it:
" Are the interactions one-sided? Generally, kids are pretty evenly matched when it comes to bad behavior like tossing grenade-level zingers, damaging toys or property, or resorting to hitting or kicking. But if one child is consistently the perpetrator while the other is the victim, this requires your attention – especially if there are differences in size or age that are being taken advantage of. "
Is the behavior ongoing, or a one-time occurrence? While it’s developmentally appropriate for toddlers to struggle with impulse control – they may not have the words to express their feelings or have enough practice with alternative coping mechanisms – school-age kids and teens should be able to control themselves when it comes to physicality. Sure, kids can lose it in an unusually stressful situation, so if your son punches his brother, you lay down a consequence and talk it through. If the behavior stops, lesson learned. But if your child frequently punches, insults, plays mind games, violates personal space or has a blatant disregard for a sibling’s possessions, that’s bullying.
So what to do?
Get more information. Talk to your child’s teacher or camp counselor and see if the bullying behavior is happening in other settings – or if it’s happening to your child. Sometimes kids who are the victims of a bully at school express their anger and helplessness at being tormented by becoming the perpetrator at home.
Don’t unknowingly reward the bully. Bad or good, attention is attention, and often a bully’s bid for control and power is further fueled by the parental attention it gets. Teach your child other strategies for communicating with his or her sibling, and lay down what the consequence will be if that doesn’t happen. Then, if bullying occurs, there’s no big scene or back-and-forth power struggle: The consequence is invoked, and if your kid wants to avoid it, next time he or she will do things differently.
Understand the sibling dynamic. Try to find out what might be going on between your kids that’s causing the repeated conflict. Is one child envious of the other? Does one have more difficulty tolerating frustration than the other? Does one like to have more space than the other? Is it harder for one child to share? Is one child acting entitled or overbearing? Help your kids talk about their differences, and encourage them to come up with their own solutions and strategies that will work for both of them – whether that’s a chores chart, or a system for when they get to use certain items or be in each other’s room.
Give your kids positive power experiences. Kids inherently have less power than adults, but the more power they experience in a positive way, the less they’ll try to exert it in a negative way. Encourage activities in which your children feel competent and also get a much-needed energy release, like sports or dance. If your kid is into drama, commanding the stage might be a nice outlet. And be sure to include your children in age-appropriate family discussions of matters that affect them, so that they feel valued and listened to in a constructive way.
How Not to Raise a Bully: The Early Roots of Empathy
By Maia Szalavitz Saturday, Apr. 17, 2010
content.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1982190,00.html
Since the Jan. 14 death of Phoebe Prince, the 15-year-old in South Hadley, Mass., who committed suicide after being bullied by fellow students, many onlookers have meditated on whether the circumstances that led to her after-school hanging might have been avoided.
Could teachers have stepped in and stopped the bullying? Could parents have done more to curtail bad behavior? Or could preventive measures have been started years ago, in early childhood, long before bullies emerged and started heaping abuse on their peers?
Increasingly, neuroscientists, psychologists and educators believe that bullying and other kinds of violence can indeed be reduced by encouraging empathy at an early age. Over the past decade, research in empathy — the ability to put ourselves in another person's shoes — has suggested that it is key, if not the key, to all human social interaction and morality.
Without empathy, we would have no cohesive society, no trust and no reason not to murder, cheat, steal or lie. At best, we would act only out of self-interest; at worst, we would be a collection of sociopaths.
Although human nature has historically been seen as essentially selfish, recent science suggests that it is not. The capacity for empathy is believed to be innate in most humans, as well as some other species — chimps, for instance, will protest the unfair treatment of others, refusing to accept a treat they have rightfully earned if another chimp doing the same work fails to get the same reward.
The first stirrings of human empathy typically appear in babyhood: newborns cry when hearing another infant's cry, and studies have shown that children as young as 14 months offer unsolicited help to adults who appear to be struggling to reach something. Babies have also shown a distinct preference for adults who help rather than hinder others.
But like language, the development of this inherent tendency may be affected by early experience. As evidence, look no further than ancient Greece and the millennia-old child-rearing practices of Sparta and Athens. Spartans, who were celebrated almost exclusively as warriors, raised their ruling-class boys in an environment of uncompromising brutality — enlisting them in boot camp at age 7 and starving them to encourage enough deviousness and cunning to steal food, which skillfully bred yet more generations of ruthless killers.
In Athens, future leaders were brought up in a more nurturing and peaceful way, at home with their mothers and nurses, starting education in music and poetry at age 6. They became pioneers of democracy, art, theater and culture. "Just like we can train people to kill, the same is true with empathy. You can be taught to be a Spartan or an Athenian — and you can taught to be both," says Teny Gross, executive director of the outreach group Institute for the Study and Practice of Nonviolence in Providence, R.I., and a former sergeant in the Israeli army.
What the ancient Greeks intuited is supported by research today. Childhood — as early as infancy — is now known to be a critical time for the development of empathy. And although children can be astonishingly resilient, surviving and sometimes thriving despite abuse and neglect, studies show that those who experience such early trauma are at much greater risk of becoming aggressive or even psychopathic later on, bullying other children or being victimized by bullies themselves.
Simple neglect can be surprisingly damaging. In 2007, researchers published the first randomized, controlled study of the effect of being raised in an orphanage; that study, and subsequent research on the same sample of Romanian orphans, found that compared with babies placed with a foster family, those who were sent to institutions had lower IQs, slower physical growth, problems with human attachment and differences in functioning in brain areas related to emotional development.
Institutionalized infants do not experience being the center of a loving family's attention; instead, they are cared for by a rotating staff of workers, which is inherently neglectful. The infants miss out on intensive, one-on-one affection and attachment with a parental figure, which babies need at that vulnerable age. Without that experience, they learn early on that the world is a cold, insecure and untrustworthy place. Their emotional needs having gone unmet, they frequently have trouble understanding or appreciating the feelings of others.
Nearly 90% of brain growth takes place in the first five years of life, and the minds of young children who have been neglected or traumatized often fail to make the connection between people and pleasure. That deficit can make it difficult for them to feel or demonstrate love later on. "You can enhance empathy by the way you treat children," says Martin Hoffman, an emeritus professor of psychology at New York University and a pioneer of empathy research, "or you can kill it by providing a harsh punitive environment."
Help Your Child Recognize the Signs of Bullying

PACER’s National Bullying Prevention Center®
www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-2.pdf

PACER.org/Bullying PACERKidsAgainstBullying.org PACERTeensAgainstBullying.org
Children may not always realize that they are being bullied. They might think it is bullying only if they are being physically hurt; they might believe the other child is joking; or they may not understand the subtle social norms and cues. Children can benefit from a definition of the differences between friendly behavior and bullying behavior.
The basic rule: Let children know if the behavior hurts or harms them, either emotionally or physically, it is bullying.
Parents can prepare themselves to talk with their children by considering how they are going to respond to their child’s questions and emotions. They can also decide what information they would like to give their child about bullying.
Parents should be ready to:
• Listen. It is the child’s story; let him or her tell it. They may be in emotional pain about the way they are being treated.
• Believe. The knowledge that a child is being bullied can raise many emotions. To be an effective advocate, parents need to react in a way that encourages the child to trust.
• Be supportive. Tell the child it is not his fault and that he does not deserve to be bullied. Empower the child by telling her how terrific she is. Avoid judgmental comments about the child or the child who bullies. The child may already be feeling isolated. Hearing negative statements from parents may only further isolate him or her.
• Be patient. Children may not be ready to open up right away. Talking about the bullying can be difficult because children may fear retaliation from the bully or think that, even if they tell an adult, nothing will change. The child might be feeling insecure, withdrawn, frightened, or ashamed.
• Provide information. Parents should educate their child about bullying by providing information at a level that the child can understand.
• Explore options for intervention strategies.
Parents can discuss options with their child to deal with bullying behavior.
Questions to Ask Your Child about Bullying:
Open-ended questions will help the child talk about his or her situation.
Begin with questions that address the child’s environment. For example, “How was your bus ride today?” or “Have you ever seen anyone being mean to someone else on the bus?” Then move on to questions that directly affect the child such as, “Are you ever scared to get on the bus?” or “Has anyone ever been mean to you on the bus?”
If the child is talking about the situation, parents can help their child recognize bullying behavior by asking more questions such as:
• Did the child hurt you on purpose?
• Was it done more than once?
• Did it make you feel bad or angry? How do you feel about the behavior?
• Did the child know you were being hurt?
• Is the other child more powerful (i.e. bigger, scarier) than you in some way?
For the child who is reluctant to talk about the situation, questions may include:
• How was gym class today?
• Who did you sit by at lunch?
• You seem to be feeling sick a lot and want to stay home. Please tell me about that.
• Are kids making fun of you?
• Are there a lot of cliques at school? What do you think about them?
• Has anyone ever touched you in a way that did not feel right?
>>> Reactions to Avoid:
When children choose to tell their parents about bullying, parents might have one of three responses.
1. Tell their child to stand up to the bully
2. Tell their child to ignore and avoid the bully
3. Take matters into their own hands
While these reactions express genuine caring, concern, and good intentions – and often reflect what parents were told by their own parents or other adults – they are likely to be ineffective. Parents may feel better for having taken action, but these reactions can have harmful consequences.
Here’s why these responses will likely be unsuccessful:
1. Tell your child to stand up to the bully – This can imply that it is your child’s responsibility to handle the situation. While there is a ring of truth to this statement (being assertive is often a good response) sending your child back into the situation without further information will probably cause more harm. A more effective response is to brainstorm options with your child about what you can do as a team to respond to the situation.
2. Tell your child to ignore the bully – This is easier said than done. Your child has probably tried ignoring the situation, which is a typical response for children. If that method had been effective, however, there wouldn’t be a need for the child to seek your help. It is difficult to ignore someone who is sitting behind you on the bus or next to you in class.
3. In addition, if the student who is bullying realizes that their target is purposefully “ignoring” them, it can actually ignite further bullying, since that response provides the sense of power and control the student seeks.
4. Take matters into your own hands – A normal gut response from parents is to try to fix the situation and remove their child from harm. For example, a parent might call the parents of the student who is bullying, or directly confront the bully. Remember, when children tell a parent about bullying, they are looking for the parent to guide them to a solution that makes them feel empowered.
Involve them in the process of determining next steps. Typically, calling the other parent or directly confronting the bullying student
is ineffective. It is best to work through the school and implement steps to respond.
It is important to:
Help Your Child Know That They Are Not Alone.
• You are not alone. Many children feel that they are the only ones who are bullied and that no one cares. Let them know that there are people who do care.
• It is not up to you to stop the bullying. It is never the responsibility of the child to change what is happening to them.
• Bullying happens to a lot of kids but that NEVER makes it right.
Let your child know that bullying happens in small schools, large schools, rural schools, and city schools. It can happen in preschool, high school, and every school in between. It happens in Australia, Argentina, and all around the globe. Certain people will say that some kids deserve to be bullied because of the way the child looks or acts, but this is simply not true.
• No one deserves to be bullied. Everyone deserves respect. All students have the right to be treated with dignity and respect, no matter what.
• We all need to work together. Everyone is responsible for addressing bullying. The community, schools, parents, and students all play a role.
>> PACER Resources:
> Student Action Plan
pacer.org/bullying/pdf/StudentActionPlan.pdf
Are you an educator working with a student being bullied, a parent looking for ways to help your child change their behavior, or a student who wants to take action against bullying but you aren’t sure what to do? As a student, bullying is something that impacts you, your peers, and your school – whether you’re the target of bullying, a witness, or the person who bullies. Bullying can end, but that won’t happen unless students, parents, and educators work together and take action.
The first step is to create a plan that works for you and your situation. This student action plan is an opportunity for you – either on your own or with parents and teachers – to develop a strategy to change what’s happening to you or someone else. It’s your chance to make a difference.
> Advice Gone Wrong
pacerteensagainstbullying.org/#/listen/advice-gone-wrong
An interactive teen perspective (written by teens for adults) on unhelpful advice from parents and educators.
> Inside Story
pacerteensagainstbullying.org/#/listen/inside-story
An interactive look, from a teen perspective, at some of the reasons students don’t talk about bullying. Meet Pete. He is a dude with a lot going on inside, and he has zeroed in on some of the reasons that students don’t tell an adult about bullying.
> We Need To Talk – Video
pacerteensagainstbullying.org/#/listen/we-need-to-talk-video. html
Teens have their turn talking about what is helpful and what they want parents to know.
Stop Bullying on the Spot
When adults respond quickly and consistently to bullying behavior they send the message that it is not acceptable.
Research shows this can stop bullying behavior over time.
There are simple steps adults can take to stop bullying on the spot and keep kids safe.
Do:
Intervene immediately. It is ok to get another adult to help.
Separate the kids involved.
Make sure everyone is safe.
Meet any immediate medical or mental health needs.
Stay calm. Reassure the kids involved, including bystanders.
Model respectful behavior when you intervene.
Avoid these common mistakes:
Don’t ignore it. Don’t think kids can work it out without adult help.
Don’t immediately try to sort out the facts.
Don’t force other kids to say publicly what they saw.
Don’t question the children involved in front of other kids.
Don’t talk to the kids involved together, only separately.
Don’t make the kids involved apologize or patch up relations on the spot.
Get police help or medical attention immediately if:
A weapon is involved.
There are threats of serious physical injury.
There are threats of hate-motivated violence, such as racism or homophobia.
There is serious bodily harm.
There is sexual abuse.
Anyone is accused of an illegal act, such as robbery or extortion—using force to get money, property, or services.
Next Steps
Support the kids involved.
Find Out What Happened.
Whether you’ve just stopped bullying on the spot or a child has reached out to you for help, follow the steps below to determine the best way to proceed.
Determine if it’s Bullying:
Get the Facts:
Keep all the involved children separate.
Get the story from several sources, both adults and kids.
Listen without blaming.
Don’t call the act “bullying” while you are trying to understand what happened.
It may be difficult to get the whole story, especially if multiple students are involved or the bullying involves social bullying or cyberbullying. Collect all available information.
Determine if it's Bullying:
There are many behaviors that look like bullying but require different approaches. It is important to determine whether the situation is bullying or something else.
Review the definition of bullying. State law and school policy may have additional guidelines for defining bullying behavior.
To determine if this is bullying or something else, consider the following questions:
What is the history between the kids involved? Have there been past conflicts?
Is there a power imbalance? Remember that a power imbalance is not limited to physical strength. It is sometimes not easily recognized. If the targeted child feels like there is a power imbalance, there probably is.
Has this happened before? Is the child worried it will happen again?
Have the kids dated? There are special responses for teen dating violence.
Are any of the kids involved with a gang? Gang violence has different interventions.
Remember that it may not matter “who started it.” Some kids who are bullied may be seen as annoying or provoking, but this does not excuse the bullying behavior.
Once you have determined if the situation is bullying, support the kids involved.
Support the Kids Involved
Two parents comfort their daughterAll kids involved in bullying—whether they are bullied, bully others, or see bullying—can be affected. It is important to support all kids involved to make sure the bullying doesn’t continue and effects can be minimized.
Support Kids Who are Bullied
Address Bullying Behavior
Support Bystanders Who Witness Bullying
Support Kids Who are Bullied
Listen and focus on the child. Learn what’s been going on and show you want to help.
Assure the child that bullying is not their fault.
Know that kids who are bullied may struggle with talking about it. Consider referring them to a school counselor, psychologist, or other mental health service.
Give advice about what to do. This may involve role-playing and thinking through how the child might react if the bullying occurs again.
Work together to resolve the situation and protect the bullied child. The child, parents, and school or organization may all have valuable input. It may help to:
Ask the child being bullied what can be done to make him or her feel safe. Remember that changes to routine should be minimized. He or she is not at fault and should not be singled out. For example, consider rearranging classroom or bus seating plans for everyone. If bigger moves are necessary, such as switching classrooms or bus routes, the child who is bullied should not be forced to change.
Develop a game plan. Maintain open communication between schools, organizations, and parents. Discuss the steps that are taken and the limitations around what can be done based on policies and laws. Remember, the law does not allow school personnel to discuss discipline, consequences, or services given to other children.
Be persistent. Bullying may not end overnight. Commit to making it stop and consistently support the bullied child.
Avoid these mistakes:
Never tell the child to ignore the bullying.
Do not blame the child for being bullied. Even if he or she provoked the bullying, no one deserves to be bullied.
Do not tell the child to physically fight back against the kid who is bullying. It could get the child hurt, suspended, or expelled.
Parents should resist the urge to contact the other parents involved. It may make matters worse. School or other officials can act as mediators between parents.
Follow-up. Show a commitment to making bullying stop. Because bullying is behavior that repeats or has the potential to be repeated, it takes consistent effort to ensure that it stops.
Address Bullying Behavior:
Parents, school staff, and organizations all have a role to play.
Make sure the child knows what the problem behavior is. Young people who bully must learn their behavior is wrong and harms others.
Show kids that bullying is taken seriously. Calmly tell the child that bullying will not be tolerated. Model respectful behavior when addressing the problem.
Work with the child to understand some of the reasons he or she bullied.
For example:
Sometimes children bully to fit in. These kids can benefit from participating in positive activities. Involvement in sports and clubs can enable them to take leadership roles and make friends without feeling the need to bully.
Other times kids act out because something else—issues at home, abuse, stress—is going on in their lives. They also may have been bullied. These kids may be in need of additional support, such as mental health services.
Use consequences to teach. Consequences that involve learning or building empathy can help prevent future bullying. School staff should remember to follow the guidelines in their student code of conduct and other policies in developing consequences and assigning discipline. For example, the child who bullied can:
Lead a class discussion about how to be a good friend.
Write a story about the effects of bullying or benefits of teamwork.
Role-play a scenario or make a presentation about the importance of respecting others, the negative effects of gossip, or how to cooperate.
Do a project about civil rights and bullying.
Read a book about bullying.
Make posters for the school about cyberbullying and being smart online.
Involve the kid who bullied in making amends or repairing the situation. The goal is to help them see how their actions affect others. For example, the child can:
Write a letter apologizing to the student who was bullied.
Do a good deed for the person who was bullied or for others in your community.
Clean up, repair, or pay for any property they damaged.
Avoid strategies that don’t work or have negative consequences.
Zero tolerance or “three strikes, you’re out” strategies don’t work. Suspending or expelling students who bully does not reduce bullying behavior. Students and teachers may be less likely to report and address bullying if suspension or expulsion is the consequence.
Conflict resolution and peer mediation don’t work for bullying. Bullying is not a conflict between people of equal power who share equal blame. Facing those who have bullied may further upset kids who have been bullied.
Group treatment for students who bully doesn’t work. Group members tend to reinforce bullying behavior in each other.
Follow-up. After the bullying issue is resolved, continue finding ways to help the child who bullied to understand how what they do affects other people. For example, praise acts of kindness or talk about what it means to be a good friend.
Support Bystanders Who Witness Bullying:
Even if kids are not bullied or bullying others they can be affected by bullying. Many times, when they see bullying, they may not know what to do to stop it. They may not feel safe stepping in in the moment, but there are many other steps they can take.
Sibling Bullying Can Cause Damage. Here’s How to Spot It…and Stop It.
By Lori Gottlieb June 18, 2013
www.lifetimemoms.com/parenting/sibling-bullying-can-cause-damage-here-s-how-to-spot-it-and-stop-it
Is there bullying going on in your home (or country, or between countries)? Given the recent focus on bullying in schools – and the awareness and prevention programs put in place – the idea of that kind of aggression under your own roof may seem absurd. But according to a study released this week in the journal Pediatrics, sibling bullying not only exists, but it may also be mistakenly overlooked as typical sibling squabbling.
The study found that although conflict between siblings is expected, an escalation to the point of bullying has often been viewed as "benign and normal and even beneficial" for the development of relational skills. But instead, the researchers reported, sibling bullying is linked to increased anger, anxiety and depression in kids who experience it. Worse yet, the effects apparently last. Many adults who were repeatedly humiliated by siblings struggle with self-esteem.
Of course, letting siblings work out their differences helps build their negotiation skills and may even bolster their empathy. But parents should get involved if certain patterns persist. Here’s what to look for when your kids are going at it:
" Are the interactions one-sided? Generally, kids are pretty evenly matched when it comes to bad behavior like tossing grenade-level zingers, damaging toys or property, or resorting to hitting or kicking. But if one child is consistently the perpetrator while the other is the victim, this requires your attention – especially if there are differences in size or age that are being taken advantage of. "
Is the behavior ongoing, or a one-time occurrence? While it’s developmentally appropriate for toddlers to struggle with impulse control – they may not have the words to express their feelings or have enough practice with alternative coping mechanisms – school-age kids and teens should be able to control themselves when it comes to physicality. Sure, kids can lose it in an unusually stressful situation, so if your son punches his brother, you lay down a consequence and talk it through. If the behavior stops, lesson learned. But if your child frequently punches, insults, plays mind games, violates personal space or has a blatant disregard for a sibling’s possessions, that’s bullying.
So what to do?
Get more information. Talk to your child’s teacher or camp counselor and see if the bullying behavior is happening in other settings – or if it’s happening to your child. Sometimes kids who are the victims of a bully at school express their anger and helplessness at being tormented by becoming the perpetrator at home.
Don’t unknowingly reward the bully. Bad or good, attention is attention, and often a bully’s bid for control and power is further fueled by the parental attention it gets. Teach your child other strategies for communicating with his or her sibling, and lay down what the consequence will be if that doesn’t happen. Then, if bullying occurs, there’s no big scene or back-and-forth power struggle: The consequence is invoked, and if your kid wants to avoid it, next time he or she will do things differently.
Understand the sibling dynamic. Try to find out what might be going on between your kids that’s causing the repeated conflict. Is one child envious of the other? Does one have more difficulty tolerating frustration than the other? Does one like to have more space than the other? Is it harder for one child to share? Is one child acting entitled or overbearing? Help your kids talk about their differences, and encourage them to come up with their own solutions and strategies that will work for both of them – whether that’s a chores chart, or a system for when they get to use certain items or be in each other’s room.
Give your kids positive power experiences. Kids inherently have less power than adults, but the more power they experience in a positive way, the less they’ll try to exert it in a negative way. Encourage activities in which your children feel competent and also get a much-needed energy release, like sports or dance. If your kid is into drama, commanding the stage might be a nice outlet. And be sure to include your children in age-appropriate family discussions of matters that affect them, so that they feel valued and listened to in a constructive way.
How Not to Raise a Bully: The Early Roots of Empathy
By Maia Szalavitz Saturday, Apr. 17, 2010
content.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1982190,00.html
Since the Jan. 14 death of Phoebe Prince, the 15-year-old in South Hadley, Mass., who committed suicide after being bullied by fellow students, many onlookers have meditated on whether the circumstances that led to her after-school hanging might have been avoided.
Could teachers have stepped in and stopped the bullying? Could parents have done more to curtail bad behavior? Or could preventive measures have been started years ago, in early childhood, long before bullies emerged and started heaping abuse on their peers?
Increasingly, neuroscientists, psychologists and educators believe that bullying and other kinds of violence can indeed be reduced by encouraging empathy at an early age. Over the past decade, research in empathy — the ability to put ourselves in another person's shoes — has suggested that it is key, if not the key, to all human social interaction and morality.
Without empathy, we would have no cohesive society, no trust and no reason not to murder, cheat, steal or lie. At best, we would act only out of self-interest; at worst, we would be a collection of sociopaths.
Although human nature has historically been seen as essentially selfish, recent science suggests that it is not. The capacity for empathy is believed to be innate in most humans, as well as some other species — chimps, for instance, will protest the unfair treatment of others, refusing to accept a treat they have rightfully earned if another chimp doing the same work fails to get the same reward.
The first stirrings of human empathy typically appear in babyhood: newborns cry when hearing another infant's cry, and studies have shown that children as young as 14 months offer unsolicited help to adults who appear to be struggling to reach something. Babies have also shown a distinct preference for adults who help rather than hinder others.
But like language, the development of this inherent tendency may be affected by early experience. As evidence, look no further than ancient Greece and the millennia-old child-rearing practices of Sparta and Athens. Spartans, who were celebrated almost exclusively as warriors, raised their ruling-class boys in an environment of uncompromising brutality — enlisting them in boot camp at age 7 and starving them to encourage enough deviousness and cunning to steal food, which skillfully bred yet more generations of ruthless killers.
In Athens, future leaders were brought up in a more nurturing and peaceful way, at home with their mothers and nurses, starting education in music and poetry at age 6. They became pioneers of democracy, art, theater and culture. "Just like we can train people to kill, the same is true with empathy. You can be taught to be a Spartan or an Athenian — and you can taught to be both," says Teny Gross, executive director of the outreach group Institute for the Study and Practice of Nonviolence in Providence, R.I., and a former sergeant in the Israeli army.
What the ancient Greeks intuited is supported by research today. Childhood — as early as infancy — is now known to be a critical time for the development of empathy. And although children can be astonishingly resilient, surviving and sometimes thriving despite abuse and neglect, studies show that those who experience such early trauma are at much greater risk of becoming aggressive or even psychopathic later on, bullying other children or being victimized by bullies themselves.
Simple neglect can be surprisingly damaging. In 2007, researchers published the first randomized, controlled study of the effect of being raised in an orphanage; that study, and subsequent research on the same sample of Romanian orphans, found that compared with babies placed with a foster family, those who were sent to institutions had lower IQs, slower physical growth, problems with human attachment and differences in functioning in brain areas related to emotional development.
Institutionalized infants do not experience being the center of a loving family's attention; instead, they are cared for by a rotating staff of workers, which is inherently neglectful. The infants miss out on intensive, one-on-one affection and attachment with a parental figure, which babies need at that vulnerable age. Without that experience, they learn early on that the world is a cold, insecure and untrustworthy place. Their emotional needs having gone unmet, they frequently have trouble understanding or appreciating the feelings of others.
Nearly 90% of brain growth takes place in the first five years of life, and the minds of young children who have been neglected or traumatized often fail to make the connection between people and pleasure. That deficit can make it difficult for them to feel or demonstrate love later on. "You can enhance empathy by the way you treat children," says Martin Hoffman, an emeritus professor of psychology at New York University and a pioneer of empathy research, "or you can kill it by providing a harsh punitive environment."
Help Your Child Recognize the Signs of Bullying

PACER’s National Bullying Prevention Center®
www.pacer.org/publications/bullypdf/BP-2.pdf

PACER.org/Bullying PACERKidsAgainstBullying.org PACERTeensAgainstBullying.org
Children may not always realize that they are being bullied. They might think it is bullying only if they are being physically hurt; they might believe the other child is joking; or they may not understand the subtle social norms and cues. Children can benefit from a definition of the differences between friendly behavior and bullying behavior.
The basic rule: Let children know if the behavior hurts or harms them, either emotionally or physically, it is bullying.
Parents can prepare themselves to talk with their children by considering how they are going to respond to their child’s questions and emotions. They can also decide what information they would like to give their child about bullying.
Parents should be ready to:
• Listen. It is the child’s story; let him or her tell it. They may be in emotional pain about the way they are being treated.
• Believe. The knowledge that a child is being bullied can raise many emotions. To be an effective advocate, parents need to react in a way that encourages the child to trust.
• Be supportive. Tell the child it is not his fault and that he does not deserve to be bullied. Empower the child by telling her how terrific she is. Avoid judgmental comments about the child or the child who bullies. The child may already be feeling isolated. Hearing negative statements from parents may only further isolate him or her.
• Be patient. Children may not be ready to open up right away. Talking about the bullying can be difficult because children may fear retaliation from the bully or think that, even if they tell an adult, nothing will change. The child might be feeling insecure, withdrawn, frightened, or ashamed.
• Provide information. Parents should educate their child about bullying by providing information at a level that the child can understand.
• Explore options for intervention strategies.
Parents can discuss options with their child to deal with bullying behavior.
Questions to Ask Your Child about Bullying:
Open-ended questions will help the child talk about his or her situation.
Begin with questions that address the child’s environment. For example, “How was your bus ride today?” or “Have you ever seen anyone being mean to someone else on the bus?” Then move on to questions that directly affect the child such as, “Are you ever scared to get on the bus?” or “Has anyone ever been mean to you on the bus?”
If the child is talking about the situation, parents can help their child recognize bullying behavior by asking more questions such as:
• Did the child hurt you on purpose?
• Was it done more than once?
• Did it make you feel bad or angry? How do you feel about the behavior?
• Did the child know you were being hurt?
• Is the other child more powerful (i.e. bigger, scarier) than you in some way?
For the child who is reluctant to talk about the situation, questions may include:
• How was gym class today?
• Who did you sit by at lunch?
• You seem to be feeling sick a lot and want to stay home. Please tell me about that.
• Are kids making fun of you?
• Are there a lot of cliques at school? What do you think about them?
• Has anyone ever touched you in a way that did not feel right?
>>> Reactions to Avoid:
When children choose to tell their parents about bullying, parents might have one of three responses.
1. Tell their child to stand up to the bully
2. Tell their child to ignore and avoid the bully
3. Take matters into their own hands
While these reactions express genuine caring, concern, and good intentions – and often reflect what parents were told by their own parents or other adults – they are likely to be ineffective. Parents may feel better for having taken action, but these reactions can have harmful consequences.
Here’s why these responses will likely be unsuccessful:
1. Tell your child to stand up to the bully – This can imply that it is your child’s responsibility to handle the situation. While there is a ring of truth to this statement (being assertive is often a good response) sending your child back into the situation without further information will probably cause more harm. A more effective response is to brainstorm options with your child about what you can do as a team to respond to the situation.
2. Tell your child to ignore the bully – This is easier said than done. Your child has probably tried ignoring the situation, which is a typical response for children. If that method had been effective, however, there wouldn’t be a need for the child to seek your help. It is difficult to ignore someone who is sitting behind you on the bus or next to you in class.
3. In addition, if the student who is bullying realizes that their target is purposefully “ignoring” them, it can actually ignite further bullying, since that response provides the sense of power and control the student seeks.
4. Take matters into your own hands – A normal gut response from parents is to try to fix the situation and remove their child from harm. For example, a parent might call the parents of the student who is bullying, or directly confront the bully. Remember, when children tell a parent about bullying, they are looking for the parent to guide them to a solution that makes them feel empowered.
Involve them in the process of determining next steps. Typically, calling the other parent or directly confronting the bullying student
is ineffective. It is best to work through the school and implement steps to respond.
It is important to:
Help Your Child Know That They Are Not Alone.
• You are not alone. Many children feel that they are the only ones who are bullied and that no one cares. Let them know that there are people who do care.
• It is not up to you to stop the bullying. It is never the responsibility of the child to change what is happening to them.
• Bullying happens to a lot of kids but that NEVER makes it right.
Let your child know that bullying happens in small schools, large schools, rural schools, and city schools. It can happen in preschool, high school, and every school in between. It happens in Australia, Argentina, and all around the globe. Certain people will say that some kids deserve to be bullied because of the way the child looks or acts, but this is simply not true.
• No one deserves to be bullied. Everyone deserves respect. All students have the right to be treated with dignity and respect, no matter what.
• We all need to work together. Everyone is responsible for addressing bullying. The community, schools, parents, and students all play a role.
>> PACER Resources:
> Student Action Plan
pacer.org/bullying/pdf/StudentActionPlan.pdf
Are you an educator working with a student being bullied, a parent looking for ways to help your child change their behavior, or a student who wants to take action against bullying but you aren’t sure what to do? As a student, bullying is something that impacts you, your peers, and your school – whether you’re the target of bullying, a witness, or the person who bullies. Bullying can end, but that won’t happen unless students, parents, and educators work together and take action.
The first step is to create a plan that works for you and your situation. This student action plan is an opportunity for you – either on your own or with parents and teachers – to develop a strategy to change what’s happening to you or someone else. It’s your chance to make a difference.
> Advice Gone Wrong
pacerteensagainstbullying.org/#/listen/advice-gone-wrong
An interactive teen perspective (written by teens for adults) on unhelpful advice from parents and educators.
> Inside Story
pacerteensagainstbullying.org/#/listen/inside-story
An interactive look, from a teen perspective, at some of the reasons students don’t talk about bullying. Meet Pete. He is a dude with a lot going on inside, and he has zeroed in on some of the reasons that students don’t tell an adult about bullying.
> We Need To Talk – Video
pacerteensagainstbullying.org/#/listen/we-need-to-talk-video. html
Teens have their turn talking about what is helpful and what they want parents to know.